Category Archives: couples counseling

“Take the first step” toward Real Communication

Take the first step says poet David Whyte, not the second or the third for real communication: with yourself, at work, at home . . . in all communications, in all relationships.

Learn how to LISTEN even when you are angry or convinced you are right. Learn how to say what needs to be said that’s in your head and heart.

Over and over again I find myself being moved when I hear another tell me their experience. Like yesterday, I went to a new dentist who I didn’t want to like. My beloved dentist of years had retired and sold his practice to Dr. J.

Little by little as I shared my negative thoughts with a patient in the waiting room and listened to her, and then listened to Eileen as she cleaned my teeth, I saw my closed, fixed opinion begin to soften and open. And finally I meet Dr. J. He is shockingly lovely, open and smart. He is the first dentist who will listen to me talk about my health food toothpastes that have me coming for teeth cleanings every six months instead of the typical three-month visit.

Take the first step: learn how to put your feelings into words and share. Learn how to “for real” listen.

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Here’s an exercise for you to develop your sharing and listening muscles.

An Exercise: Sharing Appreciations and Resentments

1.  A speaks her appreciations to B. B listens and doesn’t interrupt. A gives concrete examples, e.g. when I asked you to turn the computer off and you did, I really appreciated that. A gives a concrete example for every appreciation. Maximum time–3 minutes.

2.  B speaks her appreciations to A.  Again, very concrete examples. A listens, hopefully with head and heart and does not interrupt.

3.  A speaks her resentments, once again using concrete examples. B listens, no interruptions.

4.  B shares resentments while A listens.

Do this for a short period of time—3 minutes each maximum.

At first you are practicing speaking and listening. There is no responding.  When you have developed a muscle, you can respond if you want to after the other person has shared. No discussion just a simple response for no more than 1 minute.

This is a powerful exercise. In the end you do not have to agree. You may really disagree. However, if you’re listening with your head, heart and body you will most likely be affected; you and the other will find your authentic way.

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Dr. Lynda Klau

Founder and Director of

Life Unlimited: The Center for Human Possibility

www.DrLyndaKlau.com

1 212 595 7373

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WHY I BECAME A HELPING PROFESSIONAL

By Dr. Lynda Klau

Many people have asked me why I became a helping professional. I share my answer with you now.

All my life, it appeared that I was “on the right track,” so that by the time I was in my twenties I had achieved all of the trappings of conventional success: I was married, I had earned my PhD, was financially comfortable and traveled often. But always, deep within, I felt a haunting sense of incompletion—a pervasive longing for something I couldn’t name.

Then one cold winter day in February, when I was twenty-nine, everything changed. On that day, in a professional workshop, I had a number of experiences that pierced the core of my being and unleashed my life energy, my essence, which had largely been locked up.

I felt the power of love: life itself and larger than life, the visible and the invisible. I opened to a new clarity of seeing, through which I met the present moment free from the past. I discovered what I could only call “Real Life.” This, I recognized, was what I had always been looking for—the vision that would pull me forward for the rest of my life.

Like every journey, it happened a step at a time, each step bringing a new freedom. Out of my desire to live “Real Life” which meant heal myself, live from my life energy, my essence, and live in harmony with the mystery of life, I began my life’s work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For over two decades, I have worked with individuals, couples, teams and organizations using my unique integration of a psycho-spiritual therapy, coaching and holistic business strategizing. I am a professional public speaker, and published author; I conduct workshops nationally and internationally and appear on radio and television. As an expert in the development of human possibility, I address a full spectrum of issues, from moving out of “stuckness”, fear and people pleasing—which could manifest as depression, anxiety, relationship conflicts, and business issues of all sorts—to evolving into a transformational, inside-out mindful and free mentality. In this place we live and thrive as our whole selves; being authentic, present, empowered; having our voice, feeling good enough, pursuing our callings in the world, being leaders, living our lives and giving to the world.

The way I work is: what is present in the moment, experiential and non-formulaic. My recent years of training in brain science, particularly Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB), naturally compliments the unique set of skills and cutting-edge tools for transformation that I have trained in and used successfully over the years: breathing, somatic work, mindfulness, guided imagery, Gestalt therapy, Transformational therapy, strength based approaches and more. All of this leading us to living “Real Life.”

I now see that, all along, I was building a roadmap that would help others find their way to this new way of living. It is unending. It is beyond my wildest dreams. It was worth all the work.

Today, I choose to be one of the many who acts as a midwife for the birth of a new world: one that works for everyone. A world that supports us all in being and becoming our best selves, supporting one another, based on the love of truth and the truth of love.

Another world is not only possible. She is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.   

~Arundhati Roy

Stay tuned for our upcoming teleclass-workshops. You can also work with me privately if you wish.

Sign up for my newsletter to be notified of events, click here. Feel free to pass this on to resonant others.

I always want to hear from you,

Lynda

Lynda Klau

 

Lynda Klau, Ph.D.

Founder & Director

Life Unlimited: The Center for Human Development

www.drlyndaklau.com

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Relationship Counseling: Don’t Hold Back: a poem by Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

A How-To have relationships that are food for the soul.  Savor it!  Or tell me it’s not your food.

brought to you by Dr. Lynda Klau:

 

A relationship

is one of the mysteries of life.

and because it exists between two

persons,

it depends on both.

 

Whenever two persons meet,

a new world is created..

Just by their meeting,

a new phenomenon comes into

existence –

one which was not, before,

one which never existed before.

And through that new phenomenon,

both persons

are changed and transformed.

 

Unrelated, you are one thing:

related,

you immediately become something

else.

A new thing has happened.

 

In the beginning, only peripheries meet.

If the relationship grows intimate,

becomes closer,

becomes deeper,

then, by and by,

centers start meeting.

When centers meet,

it is called love.

 

Where peripheries meet,

it is called acquaintance.

You touch the person from without,

just from the boundary,

then it is acquaintance.

Many times,

you start calling your acquaintance

your love.

Then you are in a fallacy.

Acquaintance is not love.

Love is very rare.

To meet a person at this center

is to pass through a revolution in

yourself,

because if you want to meet a person

at his center,

you will have to allow that person

to reach your center also.

You will have to become vulnerable,

absolutely vulnerable,

absolutely vulnerable,

open.

 

It is risky.

To allow someone to reach your center

is risky and dangerous.

You never know what that person will do

to you.

Once all your secrets are known,

once your hiddenness has become

unhidden,

once you are exposed completely,

what the other person will do

you never know.

Fear is there.

That’s why we never open.

 

You can allow somebody

to enter you to your centers

only when you are not afraid,

when you are not fearful.

 

So, I say to you

there are two types of living,

One is fear-oriented;

The other is love-oriented.

 

Fear-oriented living

can never lead you into a deep

relationship.

 

You remain afraid,

and the other cannot be allowed

to penetrate you to your very core.

Up to an extent,

you allow the other to penetrate.

Then a wall comes

and everything stops.

 

The love-oriented person

is the religious person.

The love-oriented person

is one who is not afraid of the future,

one who is not afraid of the result

or of the consequence,

one who lives here and now.

 

That’s what Krishna says to Arjuna

in the Gita:

Don’t be bothered about the result.

That is the fear-oriented mind.

Don’t think about what will happen.

Just be here, and act totally.

 

Don’t calculate.

A fear-oriented mind

is always calculating,

planning,

arranging,

safeguarding.

His whole life is lost in this way.

 

When you are not afraid,

then there is nothing to hide,

then you can be open,

then you can withdraw all boundaries,

then you can invite the other

to penetrate you to the very core.

 

And remember,

If you allow somebody to penetrate you

deeply,

the other will allow you to penetrate

into himself or into herself.

When you allow somebody to penetrate

you,

trust is created.

When you are not afraid,

the other becomes fearless.

 

Kabir has said somewhere:

I look into people.

They are so afraid, but I can’t see why.

They have nothing to lose.

 

It is like a person who is naked,

but never goes to take a bath in the river

because he is afraid his clothes will be

stolen.

 

This is the situation you are in:

you have no clothes,

but you are always afraid of losing them.

What have you got to lose?

Nothing.

This body will be taken by death.

Before it is taken by death,

give it to love.

 

Whatsoever you have will be taken away.

Before it is taken away,

why not share it?

That is the only way of possessing it.

If you can share

and give,

you are the master.

 

It is going to be taken away.

There is nothing you can retain forever.

Death will destroy everything.

 

So, if you follow me rightly,

the struggle is between death and love.

If you can give,

there will be no death.

Before anything can be taken away from

you,

you will already have given it.

You will have made it a gift.

There can be no death.

 

For a lover, there is no death.

For a nonlover, every moment is a death,

because, every moment,

something is being snatched away from

him.

The body is disappearing –

he is losing it every moment.

Then there will be death

and everything will be annihilated.

 

What is the fear?

Why are you so afraid of being known?

Even if everything is known about you

and you are an open book,

why do you fear?

How can it harm you?

 

The fear is just a false conception,

given by society,

that you have to hide,

that you have to protect yourself,

that you constantly

have to be

in a fighting mood,

that everybody is an enemy,

that everything is against you.

 

Nobody is against you,

Even if you feel somebody is against you,

he, too, is not against you.

everybody is concerned with himself,

not with you.

 

There is nothing to fear.

This has to be realized

before a real relationship can happen.

There is nothing to fear.

 

 

I always want to hear from you.

 

Lynda

 

Dr. Lynda Klau

Founder & Director of

LIfeUnlimited: The Center for Human Possibility

www.DrLyndaKlau.com

Life-Unlimited-Blog.com

1 212 595 7373

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COUPLES COUNSELING: LOVING THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU

Couple walking with dog

Couples Counseling and Communication

Does this scene sound familiar?  You’re in a relationship. You want your partner to do something for you, but you never expressed your need. Now you’re angry because you didn’t get what you wanted.

At the beginning of our lives, as infants, we can’t communicate what we want. We have no choice but to depend upon others to give us what we need.

But we’re not infants anymore. As adults, we cannot realistically expect our partners to play the role of omniscient parents, magically anticipating and satisfying our needs.

A relationship is called a relationship because we are supposed to be relating, not mind-reading— otherwise, it would be called a “mind-reading-ship.” In order to build a mutually satisfying, mature relationship, each of us needs to:

  • Become aware of our true needs and wants
  • Ask for what we want in a clear and open way
  • Accept the disappointment of sometimes hearing “No”
  • Listen from our heart to what our partner asks of us
  • Ask ourselves what is truly right for us and have the courage to respond to our partner accordingly.

The more you and your partner learn to communicate, share your feelings, truly hear one another, and co-create solutions, you’ll increasingly be able to embrace the differences between the two of you. This paves the way for true love and compassion.

“… Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.”

Rainer Maria Rilke

Dr. Lynda Klau

drlyndaklau, 1 212 595 7373, drlyndaklau@gmail.com

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Marriage Counseling: “Being With” is Severely Underrated

Marriage Counseling: “Being With” is Severely Underrated

Sometimes life places those we love in excruciating circumstances. They might be hurting, sick, grieving, or even dying.

As partners, our natural desire is to fix the problem and take away the hurt. But when we truly can’t “do anything in the face of such awfulness, we often feel helpless and powerless. This can be extremely hard for us to bear.

In situations such as these— in which “nothing can be done”— is there anything we can do?

Yes! We should never underestimate the power of simply “being with” our partner. This means being fully present and receptive to whatever our partner is experiencing without trying to change anything.

“Being with” is simple, yet not easy. Sometimes, it can be too painful to stay “open.” Be kind to yourself.  Notice when you can remain “open” and when you can’t. Don’t judge yourself. If you need to take a moment, do so.

In the darkest moments, this act of “being with” is perhaps the greatest gift we can give.

For more about Marriage Counseling please visit http://drlyndaklau.com/love_relationships.html

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Couples Counseling – Marriage

Couples Counseling: this is what the poet Rainer Maria Rilke has to say on Marriage . . .

couples counseling, couples therapyThe point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.

I’m not going to say anything about this. It speaks for itself.
Lynda

Questions for you:

Does Rilke describe your relationship? Does what he says resonate for you? What is one take-away you get from this? Let me know.

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Couples Counseling: When Being Right is Wrong

Couples Counseling: When Being Right is Wrong.

couples counseling, couples psychotherapyWhen I heard my own voice crack while saying “I do” during my marriage ceremony over two decades ago, I must have had a premonition that I understood nothing about how to have a thriving relationship. Was I wise enough to read up on the subject? Did I reflect on what I had learned from my family or my cultural role models? I must have thought that I could just walk into a marriage  and live happily-ever-after. Perhaps many of us thought the same thing!

Think of it this way: To be a great skier, you have to take lessons and practice. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for a broken bone, not a glorious glide down the slopes. Building a vibrant relationship is no different.

Years later, after my divorce, I committed myself to becoming masterful at creating and thriving relationships and fixing broken ones, for myself and others.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that sometimes Being Right is Wrong!  So often many of us get stuck in one rigid position and that’s where we stay: stuck! In the realm of feelings and opinions, there is no “right.”  There is either open or closed, fear or love.

How often do you insist on being right? How often does your partner?  Why? Being “right” closes the conversation and the flow of energy between you. Then you become locked in opposite positions, with no opportunity to move forward.

Ask yourself:  Can I listen to the person in front of me from my heart? Can my partner listen to me?

It’s best when it’s a two way street.  You don’t need to agree: when there are two people in the room, you can expect two different opinions. But if you both listen to one another from your heart, allowing your differences, you will both learn, grow and be transformed together.

Questions for you:  Am I closing or opening the conversation? Can I have my voice and let my partner have his or hers? Can I agree to allow two different people to be in the room? I always want to hear your thoughts, dreams, visions, and winning tips, as well as the problems you’re currently struggling with that you need help resolving.   I invite you share with me on the Unlimited Life NY Blog or contact me personally @ drlyndaklau@gmail.com or 212-595-7373.

Couples Counseling: When Being Right is Wrong – By Dr Lynda Klau

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