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Dear Dad, This is What I Want to Say to You on Father’s Day:

A 21st Century Woman Calls Dads to Action

What do I, a woman and your daughter, have to say to you on Father’s day? When you let yourself be vulnerable it does not mean you are weak.

Matter of fact being vulnerable—open, real, alive, honest, sharing “heartfully”—is the most innovative, creative and powerful place to live and work from.

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It’s so weird dad, women are often criticized because they are too vulnerable or emotional and we, men and women, have been socialized to think—being a male is better, superior, more powerful and women are the second sex, we give ourselves up, we are weak . . . but it’s time to wake up dad.

These beliefs are not true. Actually they are destructive. It’s time to change them. 

It’s time to realize that being vulnerable is sharing our humanity with each other, It is not only healing but it is living on the edge and the unknown, it is life changing.

When men, dear dad, and women, both realize that the more we let down our walls and talk from our hearts, we will know how to love and the world will change.

Dear dad the time is NOW.

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Lynda Klau, Ph.D.

Founder & Director

Life Unlimited: The Center for Human Development

www.drlyndaklau.com

life-unlimited-blog.com

1 212 595 7373

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Relationship Counseling: Don’t Hold Back: a poem by Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

A How-To have relationships that are food for the soul.  Savor it!  Or tell me it’s not your food.

brought to you by Dr. Lynda Klau:

 

A relationship

is one of the mysteries of life.

and because it exists between two

persons,

it depends on both.

 

Whenever two persons meet,

a new world is created..

Just by their meeting,

a new phenomenon comes into

existence –

one which was not, before,

one which never existed before.

And through that new phenomenon,

both persons

are changed and transformed.

 

Unrelated, you are one thing:

related,

you immediately become something

else.

A new thing has happened.

 

In the beginning, only peripheries meet.

If the relationship grows intimate,

becomes closer,

becomes deeper,

then, by and by,

centers start meeting.

When centers meet,

it is called love.

 

Where peripheries meet,

it is called acquaintance.

You touch the person from without,

just from the boundary,

then it is acquaintance.

Many times,

you start calling your acquaintance

your love.

Then you are in a fallacy.

Acquaintance is not love.

Love is very rare.

To meet a person at this center

is to pass through a revolution in

yourself,

because if you want to meet a person

at his center,

you will have to allow that person

to reach your center also.

You will have to become vulnerable,

absolutely vulnerable,

absolutely vulnerable,

open.

 

It is risky.

To allow someone to reach your center

is risky and dangerous.

You never know what that person will do

to you.

Once all your secrets are known,

once your hiddenness has become

unhidden,

once you are exposed completely,

what the other person will do

you never know.

Fear is there.

That’s why we never open.

 

You can allow somebody

to enter you to your centers

only when you are not afraid,

when you are not fearful.

 

So, I say to you

there are two types of living,

One is fear-oriented;

The other is love-oriented.

 

Fear-oriented living

can never lead you into a deep

relationship.

 

You remain afraid,

and the other cannot be allowed

to penetrate you to your very core.

Up to an extent,

you allow the other to penetrate.

Then a wall comes

and everything stops.

 

The love-oriented person

is the religious person.

The love-oriented person

is one who is not afraid of the future,

one who is not afraid of the result

or of the consequence,

one who lives here and now.

 

That’s what Krishna says to Arjuna

in the Gita:

Don’t be bothered about the result.

That is the fear-oriented mind.

Don’t think about what will happen.

Just be here, and act totally.

 

Don’t calculate.

A fear-oriented mind

is always calculating,

planning,

arranging,

safeguarding.

His whole life is lost in this way.

 

When you are not afraid,

then there is nothing to hide,

then you can be open,

then you can withdraw all boundaries,

then you can invite the other

to penetrate you to the very core.

 

And remember,

If you allow somebody to penetrate you

deeply,

the other will allow you to penetrate

into himself or into herself.

When you allow somebody to penetrate

you,

trust is created.

When you are not afraid,

the other becomes fearless.

 

Kabir has said somewhere:

I look into people.

They are so afraid, but I can’t see why.

They have nothing to lose.

 

It is like a person who is naked,

but never goes to take a bath in the river

because he is afraid his clothes will be

stolen.

 

This is the situation you are in:

you have no clothes,

but you are always afraid of losing them.

What have you got to lose?

Nothing.

This body will be taken by death.

Before it is taken by death,

give it to love.

 

Whatsoever you have will be taken away.

Before it is taken away,

why not share it?

That is the only way of possessing it.

If you can share

and give,

you are the master.

 

It is going to be taken away.

There is nothing you can retain forever.

Death will destroy everything.

 

So, if you follow me rightly,

the struggle is between death and love.

If you can give,

there will be no death.

Before anything can be taken away from

you,

you will already have given it.

You will have made it a gift.

There can be no death.

 

For a lover, there is no death.

For a nonlover, every moment is a death,

because, every moment,

something is being snatched away from

him.

The body is disappearing –

he is losing it every moment.

Then there will be death

and everything will be annihilated.

 

What is the fear?

Why are you so afraid of being known?

Even if everything is known about you

and you are an open book,

why do you fear?

How can it harm you?

 

The fear is just a false conception,

given by society,

that you have to hide,

that you have to protect yourself,

that you constantly

have to be

in a fighting mood,

that everybody is an enemy,

that everything is against you.

 

Nobody is against you,

Even if you feel somebody is against you,

he, too, is not against you.

everybody is concerned with himself,

not with you.

 

There is nothing to fear.

This has to be realized

before a real relationship can happen.

There is nothing to fear.

 

 

I always want to hear from you.

 

Lynda

 

Dr. Lynda Klau

Founder & Director of

LIfeUnlimited: The Center for Human Possibility

www.DrLyndaKlau.com

Life-Unlimited-Blog.com

1 212 595 7373

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Practicing Self-Care: Women are We Killing Ourselves in the Name of Love?

Dr. Lynda Klau

A Call to All Women: more than ever, we need to choose Self-Care as our first priority in order to fulfill our potential.

Dear Woman,

  • Are you more “burned out” than you realize, running on empty most of the time?
  • Are you too drained to be truly present with the closest people in your life?
  • When people ask you how you’re doing, do you say “Great!” even though you’re dragging yourself around with your last ounce of energy?
  • Do you feel like your needs don’t count?

Despite all the progress we’ve made over the years, being a woman today is harder than ever before. Many of us are still victims of a deeply rooted, collective belief that it’s selfish to put ourselves first. No matter how many opportunities we may have gained, we’re often still expected to play the role of major caregiver—not only for our children, but our parents and partners as well.

The whole truth is that today’s woman is serving triple-duty: as a result, there’s less time than ever to focus on ourselves, both internally and externally.

Ultimately, however, nothing—no matter how important the roles we play might be—should come at the expense of our own well-being.

***

When we care for ourselves first and foremost, we become role models—for our children, our partners, and, most of all, for each other. By bringing our whole selves into the equation—rested, playful, creative, sexy, and smart—we build the foundation to do what we need to do in a balanced and harmonious way. This delivers unexpected results: the true joys of creativity, spontaneity, energy, productivity, and love.

This is not selfishness; it is the essence of Self-Care.

***

The Dalai Lama has said it is the western woman who will lead us to the new world.  That’s quite a mandate—and a compliment as well! But in order to do that, we must learn to care for ourselves first, or we will miss the mark and not fulfill our potential.

This means:

So many of us mistakenly believe that Self-Care will be just another large drain of our time and energy—one more set of demands to put on the “To Do” list. But true self-care is actually 180-degrees the opposite.

What would it take for you to make self-care a vital part of your everyday life?

***

I invite you—a woman who cares about herself and her world—to practice Self-Care and to “make our lives our own dance.” Only then will we have the chance of fulfilling our potential as women, walking into the new world, one step at a time.

Here are four exercises to strengthen your Self-Care, from wherever you are:

  1. Shut off all technological devices and sit quietly for five minutes every day.
  1. Do something you consider play “just for you” for at least fifteen minutes per day. This could mean anything: dancing in your living room, reading a book, taking a bath, singing or listening to music.
  1. Ask yourself: what do I really need and want? What really matters to me? Start to make a list of the things you love to do.
  1. Make the following quote your mantra: “Only go as fast as the slowest part of you can go.”

This is the first in a series of articles.

I always want to hear from you,

Lynda

Dr. Lynda Klau

Founder and Director

Life Unlimited: The Center for Human Possibility

www.DrLyndaKlau.com

blog www.Life-Unlimited-Blog.com

drlyndaklau@gmail.com

1 212 595 7373

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Life Coaching: 6 Ways To Be Your Own Best Valentine

Dr. Lynda Klau

single, divorced, separated,depression, self-judgmentHow not to fall into feeling unlovable or lonely this year because you don’t have a Valentine!

Once again, February 14th is right around the corner. And this year, for whatever reason, you don’t have a Valentine to call your own. You may be single or separated, divorced or widowed. Unfortunately, so many of us who find ourselves in this situation fall into feelings of deep inadequacy and despair. We tell ourselves: “I’m not good enough; something’s wrong with me; I’ll never find someone.” The reasons why we’re “alone” don’t matter. What matters is learning how to address these feelings so that you embrace Valentine’s Day 2012 feeling the fullness of love rather than the black hole of emptiness and lack.

Here are 6 proven ways for you to be your own best Valentine this year.

1. Avoid the black hole. You may be tempted to judge or blame yourself because you are alone. Don’t do it! Say to yourself, as often as necessary, what your deepest wisdom knows to be true: “I am lovable and connected to everyone, forever.” You don’t have to believe it for this to work!

Cherish the daily miracles that might easily be missed: the smile of a stranger, the movement of a child, a lovely connection with a service person.

2. Buy Yourself the most beautiful Valentine’s Day Card several days before the “big day.” Then spend some time writing a heartfelt note to yourself and literally mail it to your own address. When the card arrives in your mailbox, enjoy opening it and reading it on Valentine’s Day. Inhale your message, feeling its beauty in your heart. Then let that radiate to your whole body.

3. Before Valentine’s Day, ask yourself: “How do I really want to spend Valentine’s Day and evening?” Do you want to gather with friends? If so, here’s a wonderful exercise: Pair up, either standing or sitting, with one person at a time. Face each other silently, looking into each other’s eyes for a few minutes.  Feel your connection. Repeat this with each person that has gathered together with you.

Do you want to be with yourself? Then call someone you love, or who loves you, or who you know needs love and celebrate loving.

Want to treat yourself to something special? Treat yourself to a massage:  feel the nurturing touch and enjoy.

4. On the actual day, buy yourself some ‘I Love You candies’ or long stem American beauty red roses. Silently say to all parts of yourself—especially to the young and vulnerable parts—”You are loved.”

5. Wish other people you know Happy Valentine’s Day. It should be everyone and anyone: the cashier at the supermarket, the baby-sitter, your car mechanic, the doorman, the postman or post-woman. You’re not wishing them for what you’ll receive but enjoy all the “Happy Valentine’s Day wishes” you receive
back from them.

6. Know this Truth: You can only truly love and be loved by another when you are masterful at loving yourself, just the way you are.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you always!

Lynda

Dr. Lynda Klau,
Founder & Director of
Life Unlimited: The Center for Human Development
http://www.drlyndaklau.com
1 212 595 7373

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COUPLES COUNSELING: LOVING THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU

Couple walking with dog

Couples Counseling and Communication

Does this scene sound familiar?  You’re in a relationship. You want your partner to do something for you, but you never expressed your need. Now you’re angry because you didn’t get what you wanted.

At the beginning of our lives, as infants, we can’t communicate what we want. We have no choice but to depend upon others to give us what we need.

But we’re not infants anymore. As adults, we cannot realistically expect our partners to play the role of omniscient parents, magically anticipating and satisfying our needs.

A relationship is called a relationship because we are supposed to be relating, not mind-reading— otherwise, it would be called a “mind-reading-ship.” In order to build a mutually satisfying, mature relationship, each of us needs to:

  • Become aware of our true needs and wants
  • Ask for what we want in a clear and open way
  • Accept the disappointment of sometimes hearing “No”
  • Listen from our heart to what our partner asks of us
  • Ask ourselves what is truly right for us and have the courage to respond to our partner accordingly.

The more you and your partner learn to communicate, share your feelings, truly hear one another, and co-create solutions, you’ll increasingly be able to embrace the differences between the two of you. This paves the way for true love and compassion.

“… Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.”

Rainer Maria Rilke

Dr. Lynda Klau

drlyndaklau, 1 212 595 7373, drlyndaklau@gmail.com

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Couples Counseling – Marriage

Couples Counseling: this is what the poet Rainer Maria Rilke has to say on Marriage . . .

couples counseling, couples therapyThe point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.

I’m not going to say anything about this. It speaks for itself.
Lynda

Questions for you:

Does Rilke describe your relationship? Does what he says resonate for you? What is one take-away you get from this? Let me know.

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Life Coaching: Reclaiming Your Authentic Voice

Life Coaching: Reclaiming Your Authentic Voice

I keep observing how so many of us in this world have lost our true voice, or
never really had it to begin with. How, then, can we reclaim it?

Our Western culture teaches that the personal self is the center of our
universe, the place where all of our competing, conditioned voices live. In
this model, the rational mind of the personal self reigns supreme. The first
step toward reclaiming our authenticity, however, is to embrace a more
expansive model of who we think we are and of how we view the world.
In truth, the whole of who we are is more than sum total of our personal
self, our “persona” and our “shadow.” It is necessary to deconstruct the old
hierarchy that places our ego above our core self, our heart and our body.
Once we realize that all parts of us deserve to be listened to, we can begin to
refocus our intentions and our attention upon reclaiming our authentic voice.

Our ability to impartially observe any part of us has been called
our “witnessing presence.” This refers to a place within us that stands
apart from our conditioned beliefs and self-judgments. It allows us to
differentiate between, harmonize, and ultimately transcend them. To develop
our “witnessing presence” just as we would any other muscle is the key to
emerging from our obstructions into an authentic way of living. From this
perspective, we enter a space in consciousness that is separate from our
identifications with the personal self’ s thoughts and feelings, but which
also respects them. This allows us to experience these beliefs fully without
becoming lost in them. From here, the authentic adult in us surfaces, the
person who can successfully integrate all of his or her conditioned voices
and selves, as well as open to fresh inspirations.

Imagine that you have been in business for fifteen years and you’ ve just
been downsized. Your savings are minimal and your expenses have not
changed: the monthly bills keep piling up in the mailbox, and no new
business is coming in. A common response to such a situation would be to
automatically respond with negative thoughts, beliefs and feelings rooted in
fear: “I will never be able to recover financially. What am I going to live on?
I will never be able to support myself and my family.” Harsh self-judgments
and blame typically accompany these beliefs: “This is my fault! I must have
done something wrong!” It is crucial to realize that these beliefs, whether
coming from the “persona” or “the shadow,” are just that: beliefs. Rather
than representing the entire truth about us, our beliefs account for only one
way of responding to a difficult situation. In reality, our deepest wisdom
does not speak to us judgmentally. When situations challenge us, it is the
authentic adult in us, supported by the “witnessing presence,” that keeps
reminding ourselves that our negative thoughts and feelings are not based in
actual reality, but in our default, conditioned beliefs.

Here’ s an exercise for you, which will help you reclaim your “ witnessing
presence,” the key to unlocking your authentic voice:

The following exercise is designed to launch you on your journey
toward reclaiming your authentic voice by helping you to develop a
strong “witnessing presence”:

1. Think of a situation that is currently a source of stress and conflict in your
life. For example, this situation could involve a frustrated desire to move
forward professionally or personally. It could also involve difficulties in
your family or in your romantic life.

2. Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. In your left
column, make a list of concrete facts describing this situation. In your right
column, list your feelings and beliefs about this situation.

3. Often, we are so entrenched in our feelings that we mistake them for facts.
Carefully examine each item on each list and ask yourself, to the best of
your ability, whether the “facts” are actually objectively true, or if they are
your subjective emotions or beliefs. Facts, for example, don’ t tell us “The
sky is falling!”— only feelings do!

4. Based on your findings, reconfigure the two lists so that you have a more
accurate reflection of what information is purely factual and what is based in
your own personal and subjective reactions.

5. Without judging, look at the column on the right, where you have listed
your feelings. Do they seem disproportionate to the facts? If so, try to
listen to them with the knowledge that these are your subjective beliefs and
feelings, not objective facts that define the situation or who you are.

6. Give yourself the space to inhabit and express these feelings on the page.
You are now beginning to witness your feelings without becoming entirely
identified with them.

7. Return to the “facts” of the situation with this new perspective. Having
developed our “witnessing presence,” and having realized that our subjective
responses to a situation are not a direct reflection of reality, we are in fact
developing our authentic voice, a tool of extraordinary power. The feelings
and beliefs rooted in our “persona” and our “shadow” suddenly become less
daunting. Their power over us is diminished profoundly because we see
them in their proper light. This offers the adult in us the ability to address
challenging situations from a more knowing, creative, and proactive place.
Life Coaching
Dr. Lynda Klau

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