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Life Coaching: 6 Ways To Be Your Own Best Valentine

Dr. Lynda Klau

single, divorced, separated,depression, self-judgmentHow not to fall into feeling unlovable or lonely this year because you don’t have a Valentine!

Once again, February 14th is right around the corner. And this year, for whatever reason, you don’t have a Valentine to call your own. You may be single or separated, divorced or widowed. Unfortunately, so many of us who find ourselves in this situation fall into feelings of deep inadequacy and despair. We tell ourselves: “I’m not good enough; something’s wrong with me; I’ll never find someone.” The reasons why we’re “alone” don’t matter. What matters is learning how to address these feelings so that you embrace Valentine’s Day 2012 feeling the fullness of love rather than the black hole of emptiness and lack.

Here are 6 proven ways for you to be your own best Valentine this year.

1. Avoid the black hole. You may be tempted to judge or blame yourself because you are alone. Don’t do it! Say to yourself, as often as necessary, what your deepest wisdom knows to be true: “I am lovable and connected to everyone, forever.” You don’t have to believe it for this to work!

Cherish the daily miracles that might easily be missed: the smile of a stranger, the movement of a child, a lovely connection with a service person.

2. Buy Yourself the most beautiful Valentine’s Day Card several days before the “big day.” Then spend some time writing a heartfelt note to yourself and literally mail it to your own address. When the card arrives in your mailbox, enjoy opening it and reading it on Valentine’s Day. Inhale your message, feeling its beauty in your heart. Then let that radiate to your whole body.

3. Before Valentine’s Day, ask yourself: “How do I really want to spend Valentine’s Day and evening?” Do you want to gather with friends? If so, here’s a wonderful exercise: Pair up, either standing or sitting, with one person at a time. Face each other silently, looking into each other’s eyes for a few minutes.  Feel your connection. Repeat this with each person that has gathered together with you.

Do you want to be with yourself? Then call someone you love, or who loves you, or who you know needs love and celebrate loving.

Want to treat yourself to something special? Treat yourself to a massage:  feel the nurturing touch and enjoy.

4. On the actual day, buy yourself some ‘I Love You candies’ or long stem American beauty red roses. Silently say to all parts of yourself—especially to the young and vulnerable parts—”You are loved.”

5. Wish other people you know Happy Valentine’s Day. It should be everyone and anyone: the cashier at the supermarket, the baby-sitter, your car mechanic, the doorman, the postman or post-woman. You’re not wishing them for what you’ll receive but enjoy all the “Happy Valentine’s Day wishes” you receive
back from them.

6. Know this Truth: You can only truly love and be loved by another when you are masterful at loving yourself, just the way you are.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you always!

Lynda

Dr. Lynda Klau,
Founder & Director of
Life Unlimited: The Center for Human Development
http://www.drlyndaklau.com
1 212 595 7373

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Psychotherapy: getting free to live your dreams.

Psychotherapy: Transference: getting free to live your dreams.
Do you want to be free? Free of the obstacles that block you
from living your dreams. Then learn about Transference. It
is a key psychological concept that we all should know about
and understand. When we are able to be conscious that
transference is unconsciously operating in our lives; then we
have choice.


What is Transference? In the broadest definition of that term,
refers to the unconscious act of redirecting or projecting the
feelings that we had toward our parents or early caregivers
onto people in our everyday lives. To say that it affects our
behavior constantly would be an understatement. Imagine that
your boss doesn’t look you in the eyes and it instantly makes
you feel exactly as your father did when he treated you
dismissively as a child. Imagine walking into a job interview
and finding that the person behind the desk talks constantly
about herself, which unconsciously triggers the way you felt
when your father incessantly lectured you without asking your
opinions. Lastly, how many times have you been strongly
triggered by someone, either positively or negatively, without
knowing why? The truth is that most of us react to these
transferential situations emotionally and unconsciously.
The “wisdom-perspective” would advise us to detach from the
situation at hand because our personal feelings do not reflect
the objective facts. One of the common catchphrases of the
wisdom perspective is “Don’t take it personally!” But what
happens when we can’t help but do so?

If we understand the
psychological concept of Transference, then we realize that
the “real” situation we’re dealing with often triggers
a “symbolic” one that is often unconscious, activating feelings
that arise from our past. By addressing Transference, we begin
to distinguish between what is real and what is symbolic,
allowing us to return to everyday situations with awareness
and choice.



Transference Exercise

Here is an exercise to be done in your own

private time and space, designed to help decrease the negative
effects of Transference in your life:


Step 1: List the people in your everyday world who “push your
buttons.”


Step 2: Select one person on which to focus specifically.


Step 3: Perform a review of your feelings about this person. Ask
yourself: “What happened in reality? Who in my past does this
remind me of? How do I feel about that person?”


Step 4: Now visualize a boundary and separate the “real” person
you’re dealing with from the “symbolic” person they trigger


Step 5: Listen non-judgmentally to the feelings triggered by
the “symbolic” person. For example, pay attention to the things you
might have wanted to say or do to someone from your past, but
which you never did. You may even want to write your feelings down
concretely.


Step 6: Return to the “real” situation. What has changed?



This exercise should be repeated as often as necessary. It brings us
back to the “real” situation with a greater sense of emotional freedom
and clarity. The more conscious we become of our transferential
responses, their effect on us will increasingly diminish. We will not
simply unconsciously react to a person or a situation, but we will
respond productively with awareness and choice.

Want to heal your obstacles or blocks, your depression, anxiety, self-
esteem issues, and more? Want to know what your transference
rating is? Contact Dr. Lynda Klau @ drlyndaklau@gmail.com. http://
drlyndaklau.com/psychotherapy.html
.

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